okay so today I was at the mall and this girl walking in front of me and tripped and fell and instead of helping her up like a normal person would- I decided to make her feel less embarrassed and fall down too
but I guess another guy had the same idea because we fell at the same time
and then another person fell
and suddenly I was lying in the middle of an impromptu fainting mob and a lot of people were shouting
and the girl who’d originally fallen looked so fucking happy
Do to the high number of messages asking me why I am deleting here’s the short and simple answer. For some personal reasons I don’t want a blog anymore, and I hate the fact that I can’t always answer and be there for people. Since I’m unable to help, and to talk to each one of you personally I…
“One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
I guess things aren’t going as well as I had made myself believe. I am constantly being reminded of what a failure I am. I am going no where, why can I not just hold that on my own and not be constantly reminded by everyone around me.
I don’t know what I’m doing
I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know my purpose.
I have small dreams, well big dreams but no answers, no idea how to find answers, no where to start. I keep these to myself because when I voice them I am just reminded of how impossible they are, how I could never accomplish them.
You would think this would encourage me to prove the naysayers wrong, however I have no motivation when it comes to anything and no idea how to obtain it.
I wouldn’t really care if I had been this way my whole life, I used to be good at things, now I am just useless. All I can say is I am a good worker, woop-dee-doo I will be the best fry cook McDonalds has ever seen but the biggest disgrace to my family.
Pretty much if I die tomorrow I will have accomplished nothing, but it would be almost a relief because it’s not like I ever will.
You know that moment in a movie when the girl walks in the room and she looks beautiful there is a guy staring at her uncontrollably. I love that part, its like his eyes cannot leave her and he feels compelled to stand and move towards her in a mesmerized state.
I wish that happened in real life, they best I get is “damn girl you can dance, my place or yours”
I cannot remember the last romantic thing that has happened to me, I have lost the memory of what it feels like to kiss someone and feel a connection, a meaning. I honestly don’t remember what love feels like, maybe I never really did experience it.
I’m scared I have created a monster inside myself that absorbs all of my feelings and emotions and spits out cold, uncaring and awkward.
I just need a movie moment to happen to me, something to regain my spirits. But that is asking too much because I must stay in reality.
I love it when people think they’re problems are so much worse than everyone else’s. Like there are children dying every day in Africa and you’re upset because of something so minimal compared to that.
Get over yourself; everyone goes through hard times and everyone feels pain emotional and otherwise. Not just you.
I would never have the audacity to try and compare my problems to other people’s, you NEVER know how someone is actually feeling inside so how dare you try and say it is so much worse for you.
People amaze me everyday and sometimes it isn’t in a good way.