okay so today I was at the mall and this girl walking in front of me and tripped and fell and instead of helping her up like a normal person would- I decided to make her feel less embarrassed and fall down too
but I guess another guy had the same idea because we fell at the same time
and then another person fell
and suddenly I was lying in the middle of an impromptu fainting mob and a lot of people were shouting
and the girl who’d originally fallen looked so fucking happy
It is amazing how one person, one unexpected person, can come into your life and awaken feelings in you you had no idea still existed. Or ever existed.
I am happy in my life right now but there is something missing. Everything in my life is going the right way I just need someone to share my happiness with.
I met someone who showed me that the men I have been sharing my bed with for the last few years are not the kind of men I want to be with. He was tender, affectionate but still reeked of testosterone. He made me feel pretty, something I rarely feel. He made me look at my body in a way I never have before, in a positive light. He was my prince charming.
Too good to be true? Of course it is.
He is a world away and probably has a lady he’s pining after where he is. I normally wouldn’t care but the bastard made me feel. Now I miss him so much it actually hurts. Alas there is nothing I can do but continuing to live my life, thinking positively and hoping there are more of him out there that will find their way to me.
One day I will be complete but until then, wah.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.” —
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via loweryourstandards)
I love this haha
Nothing gets me more excited in the pants than riding on the back of a sport bike, but seriously holy shit.
If we weren’t driving god knows how much over the speed limit (probably not as fast as I thought) I think I would have ripped his clothes off right then and there. That would have been very unsafe and 100% would have resulted in an accident so I am glad I went with my safety first instincts on that one.
There is something extra special about putting your trust into someones hands in a semi-dangerous situation, I felt completely safe. Not that he was driving unsafely but something about driving on two wheels without a steel box protecting you can make some uneasy. Not me it just makes me horny.
I am an invalid.
I guess things aren’t going as well as I had made myself believe. I am constantly being reminded of what a failure I am. I am going no where, why can I not just hold that on my own and not be constantly reminded by everyone around me.
I don’t know what I’m doing
I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know my purpose.
I have small dreams, well big dreams but no answers, no idea how to find answers, no where to start. I keep these to myself because when I voice them I am just reminded of how impossible they are, how I could never accomplish them.
You would think this would encourage me to prove the naysayers wrong, however I have no motivation when it comes to anything and no idea how to obtain it.
I wouldn’t really care if I had been this way my whole life, I used to be good at things, now I am just useless. All I can say is I am a good worker, woop-dee-doo I will be the best fry cook McDonalds has ever seen but the biggest disgrace to my family.
Pretty much if I die tomorrow I will have accomplished nothing, but it would be almost a relief because it’s not like I ever will.
I love city living, I love it.
I am free, I can do whatever I please. And can we just talk about the weather? it is soo nice!
I have an awesome job, and live in an awesome place. I am happy.
Last night I had sober sexual relations and I was completely ok with it, it was nice to let go without aid.
Today I willingly went for a run with some girlfriends and I feel so good!
This summer is going to be magical I can feel it!
Clearly there is something wrong when the greek god that lived with you in first year and the hot guy you went to summer camp as a kid propose a threesome and you turn it down…
do I respect myself now? Oh goodness.
I don’t like watching porn because it is hard to find female-friendly stuff that isn’t just me watching some large breasted blond get fucked by some less than average bloke that you rarely see anyway.
Because of this I have to think back to particularly steamy moments in my past and focus on those for successful self sessions. However my memory isn’t the best so the longer ago it was the less intense the memory is, faded. I had a couple good ones but they are overused.
My problem is that my intimate moments in the last few months have been less than exciting and unworthy of my memory bank. Is it me? Am I just getting bored of the same old thing. I think not, I think guys need to amp up their game. Regular old penetration, missionary is not enough anymore (I mean was it ever?). You need to throw some crazy sexy stuff in there. One time a guy had me on top and with his manly strength flipped me in one smooth motion so that I was pinned beneath him, helpless. It was so hot I nearly died. But I have overused that memory and it is no longer exciting as well as the few others.
Why can’t guys just let go and be like cavemen for a night, rugged and untamed. Toss me around, be aggressive, harness the old school view of what it means to be a man.
Give me something to be excited about.
- Mom: you shouldn't have sex unless you are prepared to have kids
- Me: Sex isn't just about having kids, are you saying you only ever had sex with the goal of making a child?
- Mom: Yes
- Me: Lying to your children is not good, and besides you said I was an accident.
- Mom: Anyyway...
- Hahahah oh mother